One of the biggest challenges writing about Dale is not telling you what he does, but accurately describing how he does things. So many classic Dale moments have been lost to the ages simply because there’s no possible way to articulate his bizarre antics with words. Try as I might, I’ll never be able to adequately portray things like the tong dance (every time he’s grilling he begins the process with a dance ritual where he widens his eyes to an extreme level, pushes his tongue through gritted teeth, and starts dancing with the grilling tongs in a sexually suggestive manner). Some things you just have to see. I’m still trying to figure out a way to get a camera on him 24/7, so you can witness these things for yourself. But in the meantime, I’ll just have to do my best with written word.
The same is true with the things he says. There’s what he says, and then there’s how he says it. In this case, the words he used were “Well monkey nuts are okay.” But with the all the condescension in his voice, what he said was “What are you? A fucking idiot? Of course monkey nuts are okay.”
I realize that the sentence “Well monkey nuts are okay.” isn’t a standard in most dinner table conversations, so allow me to explain.
Another one of Dale’s quirks is that he likes to make up songs during times of frustration and/or boredom. The earliest recollection I have of this is the song that he and I co-wrote when I was twelve. The song was entitled “You Blow Goats.”
It goes like this:
You blow goats
You blow goats
You blow baby, baby goats
Repeat X3
You pluck chickens
You pluck chickens
You pluck baby, baby chickens
Repeat X3
You molest pigs
You molest pigs
You molest baby, baby pigs
Repeat X3
You hump dogs
You hump dogs
You hump dirty, dirty dogs
This song was crafted many years ago after Dale and I had gone to a local basketball game. By the third quarter our team was down thirty.
I remember my Mom once gave our family the following advice when it came to winning and losing: “You have to be both a good winner and a good loser.” My brother immediately replied, “I’d rather be an in-your-face winner and a shitty loser.”
And that really sums up my family’s mentality as it relates to competition. We are really shitty losers. And in this case, our team was down thirty in the third quarter. So rather than stand by our team and show our support when they needed it most, we left the game early and made up a song suggesting that the entire team engaged in various sexual activities with farm animals. Yep, we’re that fucking shallow. You don’t want to be included in a song about bestiality? Then don’t lose by 30 points! Winners don’t end up in bestiality ballads.
But what started as a simple song about bestiality has evolved into something of a classic in our family. The song has endured for 15 years and is now used as a taunt to deride anybody who our family deems as having failed at any task whatsoever, no matter how miniscule or insignificant the task is. Talk about a tough crowd.
The most recent example of this is Dale treating his eleven-year-old granddaughter to a ballad of “You Blow Goats” after she lost to him in Go Fish. This may sound harsh, but she only had like 4 matches in the entire game, so she totally deserved it.
“Grandpa, what does molest mean?” She asked when Dale got to the line about molesting pigs.
“Hmmm… That’s a big a word.” Dale responded. “I’m not sure. Let’s look it up.”
Wow. Dale’s been singing about pig molestation for 15 years and doesn’t know what it means. So, together they decided to look up “molest” on the internet, which I can only assume was nothing short of a magical moment of familial bonding. Isn’t it inspiring to see how simple, everyday occurrences can become teaching moments?
While “You Blow Goats” is a classic, Dale’s most recent song is “The Dog in the Saddle”
There’s a dog in the saddle
And he barks like a fox
When he sings his song
To you
Motherfucker!
Motherfucker!
Motherfucker!
Motherfucker!
Now this song is actually an interactive song. During the “Motherfucker!” part, everyone is supposed to join in and chant “motherfucker!” together with Dale.
So there we were at the dinner table, and Dale – bored with the political conversation that was occurring – decided to interject with “There’s a dog in the saddle…” But as we joined to chant “Motherfucker!” Dale stopped us.
“I changed the words from ‘motherfucker’ to ‘monkey nuts’, because I don’t want people knowing that I sing about motherfuckers.” Dale explained while taking a bite of broccoli.
“But you’re under the impression that singing about monkey testicles is somehow less embarrassing?” I asked.
“Well monkey nuts are okay.” Came his reply, full of as much indignation as he could muster.
Of course they are? How could I have thought otherwise? I guess I’m just a prude. So, there you have it. Monkey nuts are okay!
P.S. Anybody who uploads a video of themselves doing a rendition of “You Blow Goats” or “The Dog in the Saddle” will be my new hero.