I am in love with Taylor Swift. I don’t mean that in a tweet “OMG I Love Taylor Swift! #kanyesucks” sort-of-way. I mean that I now possess a strong emotional attachment to Taylor Swift. I was not in love with Taylor Swift yesterday, but today I am in love with Taylor Swift.
Why am I in love with Taylor Swift? To be honest, I’m not sure. But for some reason, last night I had a dream that I was dating Taylor Swift, and when I woke up my brain was convinced that I was in love with Taylor Swift.
Now let me explain this to you. This was not your typical nonsensical dream, where I just happened to date Taylor Swift in between flying through the air and accidentally showing up naked to school. No. This dream was vivid and realistic. In fact, this dream followed a very coherent plot. Simply put, this dream was epic.
Allow me to give you just a high-level summary of this dream, so you can understand the epic-ness that I was dealing with:
- Taylor Swift is in town to perform a concert.
- I win VIP Tickets in a radio contest. These VIP Tickets include a Meet & Greet with Taylor Swift.
- Taylor Swift is attracted to my boyish good looks and overwhelming charm.
- Taylor Swift gives me her phone number.
See. So far, totally believable, right?
- After a series of dates, Taylor Swift and I are totally an item.
- Taylor Swift encourages me to go to grad school to obtain my MBA. She offers to pay for the education.
- I quit my job, move to California with Taylor Swift, and attend grad school. We are happy.
- My second year in grad school, I become lazy and overly reliant on Taylor Swift’s money. I frequently skip class to play Frisbee. My grades suffer.
I feel like this dream is turning into a Nicholas Spark’s novel. I hope I don’t die at the end.
- Taylor Swift breaks up with me and begins writing a song detailing the downfall of our relationship.
- Now on my own, I reflect on my behavior over the past year and learn a valuable lesson about hard work and ultimately love.
- I graduate with honors.
- Taylor Swift has moved on. She is scheduled to perform during halftime at an NFL game. She plans on debuting our break-up song.
- I attend the game and manage to find Taylor Swift before halftime.
- I prove my love to her with a grand romantic gesture. There are many balloons and flowers involved. Also there’s a blimp with “I’m Sorry, Taylor Swift.” Flying over the stadium.
- We embrace and Taylor Swift agrees to sing a different song. I suggest I Knew You Were Trouble. That one is my favorite.
- We are totally going to live happily ever after.
- I open my eyes to see a cat inches from my face.
And upon waking up here were my exact thoughts:
- “Cat, you are such an asshole.”
- “Wait, holy shit. Did I just dream the entire plotline of a romantic comedy?”
But even before I had the time to be impressed with my brains ability to manufacture the script to a terrible date movie while I was sleeping, my brain decide to have a third thought:
- “What!? We’re not dating Taylor swift anymore? This is some bullshit!”
I guess I can understand that. It’s probably a little disappointing to go from dating Taylor Swift to not dating Taylor Swift in an instant. But surely I can get over that, right?
Well apparently not because here was my fourth thought:
- “Look at you! You’re not dating Taylor Swift. You’ve amounted nothing! You could have been somebody, but you’re nothing!”
My brain was legitimately pissed at me! And I know it was only one dream, but can you really blame my brain? That dream spanned years. Somehow, I tricked my brain into thinking it had been dating Taylor Swift for over four years. Plus, there’s the whole blimp thing. Even in a dream I can imagine that’s not an investment one makes lightly. That’s a serious commitment!
So after what was essentially four years of my brain being told that Taylor Swift is my soul mate, only to have that ripped away in an instant, my brain is pissed at me. And I’ve gone through the entire day with my brain resenting me because I’m not dating Taylor Swift. It’s the most bizarre form of self-loathing I’ve ever experienced.
But let’s get to the real question here. Um, why Taylor Swift? I’ve never had a crush on Taylor Swift. (My celebrity crush – in case you’re curious – is Charlize Theron, but I’d settle for Jennifer Aniston.) I mean, sure Taylor Swift is pretty, but I don’t know that she’s girlfriend material. But that apparently doesn’t matter to my brain who is convinced that I have lost the love of my life. Seriously. What the hell?
Now as it just so happens, my friend, Pyke, is a radio DJ (you may know him, he’s on XM) and he happened to have a surplus of these Taylor Swift t-shirts on hand. So this led to this:
While I may have lost her, I figure this way I can always keep her close to my heart.
Everything was fine and I was moving through my grief healthily until my wife saw that Facebook post. This put me in an interesting position. I either had to tell her about my dream, or pretend like I was a huge Taylor Swift fan. As a grown man, I’m not sure which is more embarrassing. Here’s how it went:
She was surprisingly supportive.
Another friend of mine tried a different tactic to cheer me up:
You’d think this would be comforting, but this only made things worse. Clearly our bond was beyond physical. That’s the strongest kind of love, probably.
So she tried something else:
I have to be honest, I feel like our love can withstand changing coastlines. In fact, that rebellious “to hell with not altering the coast lines” attitude just makes me want her more. What can I say, I guess I’m just attracted to naughty women.
But luckily, I can always rely on Kit to cheer me up:
So there you have it. Spread the word, so I can start dating Taylor Swift. Together she and I will alter coast lines and live happily ever after. With my wife.